


Epiphany

by pookiestheone



Series: Christmas Stories 2014 [7]
Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Christmas, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-22
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-03-02 21:09:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2826197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pookiestheone/pseuds/pookiestheone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Not all surprises come wrapped as gifts.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Time to start unwrapping my last Christmas fic. This one is 3 chapters - one for today, tomorrow and Christmas Eve. Exactly how I planned it [ahem]. It’s likely a disappointment for thommy fans, since Jimmy would appear to be only mentioned in passing. This doesn’t mean I’ve moved on - how can I? - but look on it as that Christmas gift from your old Uncle Pookie that you may not be sure about, other than it’s given with love.

  
In the few weeks leading up to Christmas Thomas had been too busy most of the time to brood. Without another footman he was expected to fill in more than usual and for some reason, Carson had become more demanding. He even found himself cleaning silverware because it was too much for Molesley to do by himself. A year ago he would have objected because doing something like that was below his status as under butler, but things, or rather he, had changed. _Am I getting soft? Or maybe I just don't care anymore._

As he sat in his room at night two days before Christmas, he knew it was neither. He realised that after his brush with the foolishness of "Choose your own path" he was more settled. Clarkson had said to accept the burden that chance had given him. It was true that he had looked at it as a burden, as something weighing him down and keeping him from happiness, otherwise he wouldn't have tried to change.

Clarkson's words hadn't been kind, but they rang with truth. The fact that he liked other men was his reality. In Clarkson's eyes, and likely everyone else's, it was a harsh reality. But if this was how he was going to live he refused to believe that what he had was false hope. Hope had kept him going when there was little else. When his father threw him out. When Phillip rejected him. When Edward died. And when Jimmy …

He toed off his shoes and pushed them under the bed. _Just because things haven't worked out the way I want doesn't mean they never will._ Admittedly his chances of finding anyone weren't great, but, to his surprise, he had met one of the village men a few months ago and they had begun a relationship. _Is that what it is? A stolen night every week or so._

It was hardly what he wanted in the long run but it gave him the intimacy he craved. The sex was good, more than good, but it was afterwards that mattered more. As they sat on the bed smoking in the darkness, Aaron would kiss his cheek then take his hand, intertwining their fingers. Each time they parted, Thomas felt a pang of loss. His regret was that the hour or so they shared would likely be all they would ever have. The idea of two men living together in Downton was unheard of. Perhaps in a big city it might be different, but he had cast his lot with the Abbey and that's where he was going to stay.

He sighed as he leant back in the chair, resting his head and closing his eyes. _Why am I trying to fool myself? Aaron isn't Jimmy._ He smiled at the thought. Jimmy had never given him any encouragement, had not written once since he left; he didn't even know where he was. And yet he couldn't forget him. He knew that it was Jimmy more than anything that really blocked his way to happiness; or at least made him not really want anyone else. To be honest, he and Aaron would have been all right together - more than all right - and he knew that he would keep seeing him. He was settling for what they had because it was better than nothing and, despite everything, he continued to hope there might be something else, something better. Both he and Aaron realised that they faced an uncertain future but they would take what they had for now.

Thomas stood and got ready for bed. Tomorrow would be busy in the morning, but after that he would have some free time. As he reached over and turned off the light, he wondered if Aaron might be able to take a break, even if for just a drink.

\------

The servants sat around the table waiting for Carson so they could have breakfast. It was noisier than usual, thanks mainly to the hall boys and maids who were chattering on about Christmas. Thomas wondered what there was to be excited about. It was really just another day with a few treats to make it seem special.

"Thomas are you well?" Phyllis Baxter, who was sitting beside him, asked as she leant closer. "You look tired."

"That's because I am," Thomas snapped. He immediately regretted being so short, after all, Phyllis had been the one who had helped him without hesitation despite the way he had treated her.

"I'm sorry." He nodded toward Molesley who was sitting across from them with his eyes closed. "You could say the same about Mr. Molesley. It's the two of us sharing the work of three. And we're short two hall boys as well. Upstairs don't seem to give a damn, but you would think Mr. Carson would."

"Do you believe he'll …" Phyllis began only to be interrupted by the appearance of the man in question.

Carson waved everyone into their places as he took his seat at the head of the table.

"We seem to be running a little late today with breakfast, so shall we get on with it." As the food was being placed on the table he continued. "I have two announcements. First, His Lordship has confirmed, as we expected, that most of the family will not be here for dinner tonight. And secondly, we will be adding a footman today. As a matter of fact I expected him on the morning train in time for breakfast but he has yet to appear."

He looked at Thomas.

"I'm sure you will remember Andrew from London, Mr. Barrow."

"I do, Mr. Carson. So he's to be the one then?"

"Yes. It was something I took my time to consider, but I am sure I have made the correct decision." Before he could continue he was stopped by an uncertain voice.

"Excuse me, Mr. Carson," Andy apologised from the doorway, 'but I thought I should let you know I was here. The train was delayed just outside of York for almost an hour or I would have arrived much sooner."

"Ah good, Andrew," Mr. Carson answered. "Better late than never of course." He spoke to the rest of the servants. "This is Andrew Parker, our new footman." Then he indicated an empty chair near the other end of the table. "Join us for breakfast and we shall deal with individual introductions and all else later."

"Thank you." Andy set his suitcase down to one side of the door and made his way to his seat. As soon as he sat down he spotted Thomas and nodded to him with a smile.

Thomas smiled back. _I'm glad he's getting the chance he wanted. I'll have to keep him out of Miss Denker's clutches though. Then again, there's not much here that she could use to lead him astray again._ He almost laughed when he realised he was acting like the protective uncle that he had joked about in London. _Good God, is this what I've come to?_

"He's a nice boy," Phyllis said quietly. "I think he'll do well." She paused. "With your help, of course" she added pointedly.

"He'll do just fine, Miss Baxter. No worries on that front."

After breakfast and with the necessary introductions out of the way, Carson directed both Andy and Thomas to join him in his office.

"Andrew, as you know Mr. Barrow is under butler. As such you will report to him rather than to me. Of course, if I ask you to do something you will do it. You've met Mr. Molesley our other footman. I would recommend you take your cue from him if you are in doubt of anything. However, for today and tomorrow Mr. Barrow will provide you with general information and instructions about Downton. Now, please wait in the hallway while I speak to Mr. Barrow privately for a moment."

"Thomas," Carson began after Andy had closed the door, "I want to be sure that we will not have any trouble." He continued in answer to Thomas's questioning look. "I mean, Andrew is young and I imagine not altogether unattractive to men like …" His voice trailed off.

Thomas could feel his fists clench. _Not this again! Does he fucking think I'd make the same mistake twice?_ He paused for a few seconds to calm himself before answering.

"Of course there will be nothing untoward, Mr. Carson. My dealings with Andy - and with any other member of the male staff - will always be nothing but professional."

"Very good then." Carson stood to indicate that they were done. "Your assurance is all I need."

Thomas was still fuming when he got into the hallway where he found Andy waiting patiently.

"Is everything all right, Mr. Barrow? You look a bit red in the face."

"Everything is fine, Andy. Shall we begin?"

"Of course, but can I say something first."

Thomas nodded.

"It's about London." He looked down at his feet for a second, then continued. "I hope you don't think I'm a fool for what happened. I really don't know what came over me."

"Miss Denker came over you, Andy. I think that's all we need to know. And of course that you stay away from her."

"There'll be no problem there, Mr. Barrow."

"Good. And I don't think you're a fool." _Perhaps more naïve and more anxious to please than I would have expected. Did you lead a sheltered life? It bloody seems like it._ "Now, let's get on shall we."

The rest of the morning Andy followed Thomas around as he went over the layout of the house, some of the things that would be expected of him aside for serving at meals, and passing on information about the other servants.

"It's always good to be forewarned," Thomas said as they stood outside, sheltered from the wind, while he smoked. "Mrs. Patmore will make sure you know about it if you mess up the timing when it comes to the meals. And don't let her catch you sneaking something from the plates."

"So I should never take anything." Andy confirmed as if storing the information away.

"No, I said don't let her catch you," Thomas laughed. "Underneath the barking, she's all right though." He took another drag from his cigarette. "Mrs. Hughes is a mother hen, but she would never admit it. As long as you give her the respect she deserves you'll be fine."

He dropped his cigarette and ground it out with his heel.

"We'll talk about some of the others later, but it's time for the upstairs lunch. Let's go before Mr. Carson comes hunting for us. Afterwards I'll take you into the village and show you where the various shops are. We get a lot of things from Ripon as well, but that's for another day." _Maybe I'll get a chance to see Aaron._

Lunch passed without incident. Thomas kept an eye on Andy, but he had no problems. At one point he seemed unsure about something, but he saw Molesley lean in to whisper something as he passed. _Well, well, Mr. Molesley, you and I might just finally get along after all._ In the servants' hall where they sat after their own lunch Thomas made sure that Andy knew he had done well.

"You're not going to need much help from me, Andy."

"Thank you Mr. Barrow, but don't abandon me yet."

_An odd choice of words._ "No fear of that." He stood and led the way to the stairs. "Let's get our coats and walk to the village. We'll check out the shops and there's a package at the post office too that apparently can't wait until after Christmas for delivery."  



	2. Chapter 2

  
The air was crisp rather than cold and the sun glittered off the snow that spread across the lawns, but the drive was clear making walking easy.

"Is there much to do in the village?" Andy asked. "I mean on my half day."

"There's a small tea room," Thomas answered through a puff of smoke, "but I'm guessing you mean a pub." He saw Andy nod. "The Grantham Arms is the only place for a drink. If we have time we'll drop in and have a look around. Aaron, the landlord, is a friend and it's always handy to have a friend like that." He almost choked on the double meaning of his words. At the same time he realised that any hope of seeing Aaron alone had essentially disappeared. "If you want anything else, you'll have to go to Ripon on the bus."

It didn't take long to show Andy around the village. They had time to visit the bookstore where Thomas had ordered a book for Phyllis for Christmas. It had been years since he had given a gift, other than to Jimmy, and despite the fact that he doubted he would be getting one from anyone, he wanted Phyllis to know that he hadn't forgotten about her kindness.

After that, they stopped into the chemist where he picked up some shaving supplies. Andy sniffed a bottle of cologne and held it up for Thomas to see.

"What do you think of this, Mr. Barrow?

"It's nice, Andy. I've used it myself."

Thomas knew it was expensive and wondered as Andy paid if he could afford it.

Then they went on to the post office for the parcel.

"I was just sorting the mail, Mr. Barrow and there's what looks like card for you. Would you like it or should we just deliver it after Christmas with the rest of the post?" the postmistress asked. "Shame if it's meant to get to you for Christmas."

"I'll take it, thank you" Thomas answered. He looked at the envelope, but recognised neither the return address nor the writing. He shrugged and handed Andy the parcel, tucking the card into his pocket.

"All right, Andy, a quick visit to see the pub and then back to Downton," Thomas announced once they were in the street again. The pub wasn't busy, with only a few people scattered around. Aaron looked up from behind the bar and smiled when he saw Thomas.

"I wasn't sure if I would see you before Christmas, Thomas. Do you have time for a drink?"

"No, sorry, we have to get back, but I wanted to show Andy the place. Andy, this is Aaron Shaw. He took over the Arms a few months ago." Andy reached out this hand. "Aaron, Andy Parker, the new footman at Downton."

"Pleased to meet you," they both said in unison then laughed.

"Well, if you can't stay now, how about tonight. Can you get away for a Christmas drink?" Aaron asked.

"Perhaps. The family is off visiting and apparently only Mr. Branson will be at home for dinner, but I thought you would be too busy here."

"Doesn't mean you can't join me. Besides the barmaid is on tonight too."

"So you'll be doing nothing then," Thomas joked.

"Oh, very funny. Why don't you come by and we'll see."

"I'll try to convince Mr. Carson to set me free early or even for a few hours, but now we've got to go."

"Good-bye, Mr. Shaw," Andy said before they turned to leave.

"Good Lord, Andy, you better call me Aaron because Mr. Shaw is my father."

"He's nice," Andy remarked as they began their walk to Downton.

"He is." _Very nice._

When they got back Thomas realised they had spent too much time in the village and the family were about ready to have afternoon drinks before getting ready to leave for dinner. He rushed Andy up to the attics so they both could get changed; they made it to the library just in time. Carson gave them a stern look, but Thomas knew they were safe since so one was waiting.

Thomas looked around when everyone had arrived. There were five of the family and four servants. _A bit much isn't it?_ All he and Carson did was to stand and watch while Andy and Molesley did all the work; not that there was much of that. _We'll make up for this next week though when half the county will be here._

When they had finished, Thomas tracked Carson down to Mrs. Hughes office where they two were talking. The door was open so he knocked on the jamb and entered when Mrs. Hughes motioned him in.

"Mr. Cason, I was wondering if perhaps I could have an hour or so off to go to the village after Mr. Branson has had his dinner. I'll be back in plenty of time for the family's return."

"As a matter of fact, Mr. Branson has decided to go after all so there will be no dinner, but I do not see why you would expect time off after this afternoon."

"I was on Downton business, not my own, Mr. Carson. I was in fact working."

"Now, Mr. Carson, what harm will it do?" Elsie Hughes interrupted. "It is Christmas after all. As a matter of fact why not give Mr. Molesley and Andrew some time as well. Mr. Bates and Miss Baxter have already been told that they won't be needed until later and can do as they wish."

"Really, Mrs. Hughes! Mr. Molesley perhaps, but Andrew has just arrived, why on earth …"

"Because as I said, it is Christmas and a little kindness is never amiss, is it?"

"Very well, but I am not sure if I like how things like this seem to happen."

"Oh, Mr. Carson," Elsie laughed, "I doubt if you ever will. There you go Thomas, let Mr. Molesley and Andrew know as well." She winked at him. "Just say it's a Christmas gift from Mr. Carson."

"Must you," Mr. Carson sighed. "Just be sure you are back in time, Thomas."

"Of course, Mr. Carson."

Thomas chuckled as he headed toward the servants' hall. _The old bugger is never a match for her._ Once there hall he told both men.

"That's nice," Joseph Molesley nodded as he smiled. "I think Miss Baxter and I will enjoy some time together once she's finished with Her Ladyship."

"I wonder, Mr. Barrow, if I might come with you," Andy asked tentatively. "I assume you're going to the village."

This wasn't at all what Thomas had planned, but he had no good reason to say no, particularly in front Molesley and the others. _I seem to have acquired a follower of sorts._ He looked at Andy who was waiting expectantly for an answer. _Or a puppy._

"Of course, Andy. We'll change and go right after the family leaves."

Andy broke into a broad smile. "Thank you, Mr. Barrow."

_Definitely a puppy._

It was almost seven when Thomas and Andy made it to their rooms. Thomas changed and as he put on his coat he realised that the envelope was still in the pocket. He pulled it out and set it on his dresser. _Damn! I don't want to take time to read it now._

Andy was waiting for him at the bottom of the stairs. Phyllis passed them as they walked down the hallway.

"Have a nice time."

"We will," Andy answered before Thomas could get a word out. "Sorry Mr. Barrow," he said after he closed the door behind them and they began to make their way down the drive. "I should have let you speak."

"It's fine, Andy. We're not working so there's no need to be so rigid. Just don't forget when we **are** working."

"I won't." He was quiet for a moment before continuing. "I didn't fancy staying in tonight. I mean I really don't know anyone yet other than you and Mr. Molesley and he was going to be busy. I suppose there were the hall boys or the maids, but I'd rather be with you right now."

He paused again as he turned up his collar, then stuck his hands into his coat pockets.

"Can I tell you something?"

"Of course."

"I've always managed to get to see my Dad around Christmas. I mean I've never worked anywhere but London so getting home wasn't much of a problem. Sometimes I even made it on Christmas Day for a few hours."

"What about your mum."

"She left us when I was four. I scarcely remember her, except I have an old photo. My Nan and Dad raised my younger brother and me."

"So did you see them before you left?"

"No. Nan died a couple of years ago and Dad this summer."

"I'm sorry." _So that's where abandoned came from._

Andy laughed nervously. "I'm not even sure why I'm doing this. I've never told anyone else about my Mum. Maybe because of what you did for me in London I thought … Anyway, that's enough. We're out to have a good time, right?"

"Definitely." _So not a puppy after all. It would seem 'Uncle Thomas' wasn't far off the mark._ Thomas looked up at the stars and smiled. _I guess I can live with that._

When they arrived the pub was busier than earlier in the day. Aaron spotted them as they entered and waved in their direction.

"Take that table in the corner Andy while I get us a couple of pints."

"I'll buy the next ones then, Mr. Barrow."

"Damn right you will."

When Thomas got to the bar, Aaron had two glasses already waiting.

"You brought Andy I see."

"It's a bit of a long story."

"I really don't mind, Thomas, except I hoped we would get a few minutes alone."

"I thought so too," Thomas answered as he leant in close to reach for the glasses, "but I can't just up and walk away from him."

"Of course not." Aaron looked around. The barmaid was busy at the far end talking to a couple of the customers. He cautiously slid his hand to Thomas's where it rested on the bar top and quickly ran his fingers along the back of it, letting them linger briefly. "If not tonight, then another. I'm not going anywhere."

Thomas nodded. _He's bloody great, so why couldn't I just be happy with him?_ As he turned he realised that Andy had been watching them. _There was nothing to see so I suppose there's no need to worry._

He set the glasses down on the table and took his seat as Andy lifted his in a toast.

"Cheers, Mr. Barrow."

"Cheers, Andy."  



	3. Chapter 3

  
It was around nine when they reached the bottom of the drive leading to Downton. Neither of them had drunk all that much; two pints had been enough as they spent most of the time talking. Or rather Andy asked questions and Thomas answered. As they walked along, Andy was humming Silent Night.

"You and Aaron are close friends." Andy's comment seemed to come out of nowhere.

"What makes you say that?"

"I don't know. Maybe the way you both leant in when you were talking at the bar, like you were sharing a secret. It wasn't that noisy so it wasn't just so you could hear each other better."

"Yes, I suppose we are."

"That's nice then. We all need someone special, if you understand what I mean."

"I … uh, I guess so." Thomas was a bit rattled. _What is he saying?_

"Someday I hope there'll be someone like that for me."

"Do you?"

"Yes. I'm not meant to be alone and neither are you. Although I know it can be hard for men like us."

"You mean just because we're in service?" Now Thomas was really confused; even though he had said it, he didn't see what difference that would make. _Is he still talking about friends?_

"No. And I think you know that."

_He bloody isn't!_

"Jesus, Andy! Be careful."

"Oh I am, Mr. Barrow, I am." He stopped walking and turned toward Thomas with a smile. "This is just so you know, that's all. Now I'll race you to the door." He was gone before Thomas had recovered.

\------

Thomas didn't get a chance to pull Andy aside before the family arrived home and by the time they had retired it meant it was close to midnight when he got to the attics. Andy had gone up about fifteen minutes before and as he walked by his door he paused, but could hear nothing. He considered knocking, but thought better of it. _This is something we need time to discuss and tonight it's too late._

When he got to his room, he stripped out of his livery and put on his pyjamas and robe before picking up the envelope from his dresser and sitting down. _Now that was some evening. I never expected anything like that to happen._

He turned the card over and was about to open it when there was a quiet knock at his door.

"Yes?"

The door opened and Andy stuck his head around it. "Can I come in for a minute?"

"Of course."

"I just wanted to thank you again." He held out a small bag.

Thomas took it and looked inside. _The cologne._

Andy smiled and turned to leave, stopping at the open door.

"I thought that was the one you were wearing in London. Maybe we can talk one night this week. I'm sure you have some questions. Happy Christmas, Mr. Barrow."

"I most certainly do. Happy Christmas, Andy."

Thomas stared at the closed door for a few seconds. _Having a nephew is going to be all right._ He turned his attention once again to the envelope and slid it open with his finger, pulling out the card.

_Dear Thomas_

_I warned you I was terrible at writing so I'm not going to ask for forgiveness, but I will apologise. Still I couldn't let Christmas go by without sending you this. Things have gone well and I'm settling in at the new place. Not much to tell though. After all, one footman's position is the same as the next. Although the sad difference now is that you aren't here._

_I miss our talks and standing out in the yard smoking; to be frank, I miss you. I told you that you were a good friend and I meant it. Sadly I doubt we'll ever see one another again, but I know I'll never forget you, even if my prolonged silences might seem like I have. You are one of a kind and I hope that you have found someone who can see that in you._

_I wished you happiness when I left and I will never stop wishing that for you._

_Happy Christmas Thomas._

_Jimmy_

Thomas closed the card and put it back into the envelope. He realised that this was Jimmy's true good-bye. When he left, in his heart Thomas had somehow clung to the belief that he would find him again. He knew now that was folly, but instead of feeling devastated there was the promise of something else. It was as if Jimmy's words had released him. He knew that no matter what, he would always love Jimmy in some way, but instead of it being all-consuming to the exclusion of others he felt that there would now be room for someone else, no matter what difficulties they might face. He heard Andy's words once again. "I'm not meant to be alone and neither are you."

It was something that he had always hoped for, never knowing if he would achieve it. Tonight, though, he could finally see that with Aaron it might be within his grasp. He had no illusions that it would be an ideal situation, not for a long time, not while he was at Downton at least. Aaron had tried to convince him not long after they met that being together at some point was possible, but he had rejected the idea for reasons that he was sure made sense. He knew though that it really was because he couldn't see beyond Jimmy. Aaron had let it drop and they settled instead for an hour here or there. Next week they would talk and for the first time he knew it could finally be about a future together

He looked at the envelope laying on his lap. _Happy Christmas my friend._

~~~ End ~~~  



End file.
